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Untitled ____________________________________________________ Over the past few days, I realised how ALONE I could be.
It does not mean that I have not been going out with my wonderful friends. I went out with them, spend lotsa time with them. But I still felt alone emotionally. This feeling is probably heighten by the release of results. I never felt so alone in my whole life. Probably I did, but that was so long ago. I felt that I have to face all the problems in the world myself. There was no one there for me. I know in my heart there are friends who are willing to share this burden with me. But I am unwilling to share it. Because I believe that it is MY problem and not theirs. There are decision to be made in life that you just have to do it yourself. There are things in life that you just have to face it yourself. I've learnt to be independent since young. I am force to do it. I never wanted to be independent. I love to dependent on my family, but they are never there. I had no choice to be independent. They never knew how I think, how I feel. I've grown not to tell them anything. I did not know much about them. Sometimes I tried to go out with them on Sunday, but I still do not know much. They expected me to be there, whenever they want. When I want, are they there? I feel so very much like a pet in the family. At least, the family would still play with their pet, they don't even care about me now. There's so much I want to tell them, but unable to. Is this failure of a typical Singaporean Chinese family? Or is it the generation gap and cultural gap between me and them? I told them how much I needed them since ages ago. But they ignore me. Do I have a choice? I learnt to be independent. I tried not to be dependent on friends too. But I always tries to be there for friends, because I knew the importance of it. Most of the time, I do not tell my friends what are the things that affect me the most. 1) I usually forget it soon enough 2) I think it does not concern them 3) Their point of view is of a different level from mine 4) Telling them would not be constructive too There are times that I just needed a hug. Just the other day, when I am feeling extremely alone, overburden by the stress of the release of results, I knew I just need someone to give me a tight hug. The same day, I went out with a friend. I just could not tell my friend "Could you please give me a hug and don't let go for around 5 mins. I need it. I am very scared." They never did came out of my mouth. I did not want to scare my friend off too. I had urges to tell my friend that, but I never did. I guess I am learning to be independent once again. Am I hurting myself to be independent emotionally? Is it necessary to be independent? Do I have a choice? Am I ALONE? |
